About Me

I wake up every morning a little sad that I didn't die in my sleep.  I'm not suicidal. I'm depressed as much as anyone I suppose.  Something has always been a little off with me.  Always.  It doesn't mean I can't find happiness or love.  Those moments are forever treasured.  I love my husband.  I love my children more than anything and who are the reason I put on a fake smile and suffer through the pain of living.  (This post will come back around to why Kevin Smith is such a huge part of me being alive, promise.)

The reason I know that something has always been wrong with me is because I was told so.  My mother used to take me to the doctor ever since being born.  I was born with jaundice and was severely anemia that required a few transfusions in my life. Also there is or was an iron shot that was probably worse than any other ever.  Had to be injected and massaged in many different spots. Was constantly reminded how I cried for two years straight and she thought she wouldn't make it. Those things are physical including my ED syndrome which is a hypermobility issue.  I've dislocated my joints more times than I can count.  Broken way more than 20 bones.  Stuff like that.  None of which account for the "wrongness" of me. The most hurtful thing I ever read was "Julia has a problem.  Jami IS a problem" written by my mother in a journal that was found after her death.

Being told by my sister that my mother didn't know what she was going to do with me wasn't fun to hear.  Being left at home while my family attended their galas and weddings and parties sucked ass  big time.  One of the more hurtful stories that I heard my entire life was how my mother had to miss a meeting with Steven Spielberg in 1976 because I was having a "breakdown".  Turns out I had to have ear surgery the next day.  Honestly it wasn't her that knew Spielberg but my Uncle Bert Gold  who passed in 1997.  I remember my whole family having to watch The Oscars just to see his name scroll by.  

I never fit in with that side of my family and their odd rituals.  Went to Hebrew school for about a year before they didn't make me anymore.  The weddings I did attend were so weird to my young mind.  Certain celebrities would bring their home gyms with them!  That just baffled me since I didn't know what a suite was for many years after that.  I don't usually talk about my roots because I found that lifestyle excessively negative and just mean.  Out patriarch made all the cousins go on auditions for pilot season.  I did only one.  My tantrum made sure I was never in favor again.  It was for The New Mickey Mouse Club and gave me severe anxiety even at such a young age.  Things like that shouldn't be normal in any household.

 my father just kind of left so as far as family all I have are my husband and children.  Getting closure with my father never happened since he died in 2013 while on a golf trip in Canada.  Before that it had been about 17 years since I'd seen him.  Still feel guilty about not going to his funeral but, it was in CANADA. One of my biggest fears is losing my husband and being completely alone. 

He has helped me a ton since we met in 1996.  Even when we had no money or knew where we were going to get our next meal from he never made it feel that bad.  Things haven't been that awful in a long time and am truly grateful.  At our age we should have a double family income but, I had been labeled permanently disabled by SSD in 2004 and it has felt like a prison ever since.  Shanon encourages me to do things that can fill the void that work has left.  

I enjoyed working.  Was proud to earn my degree in accounting even if the school wasn't my dream and quickly moved up the scale in the State of Washington.  If I was able to telecommute or work remotely then things may be different.  Most employers like seeing their workers at the office even if communicating with the walk in public is no part of their job description.  I do also understand that it would be rude of me to apply for a job knowing I will have many days that involve hospital stays or just wouldn't be able to get to work.  Pretty soon I won't be able to drive.  Right now the medications I'm on make it difficult anyway.  So, I rarely drive and only when 100% sober.  Not working is another huge part of my depression.  No matter how much people complain about their job I would happily do it in a heartbeat if possible.

I've had people offer me jobs and then take it away or just ghost me too.  That makes me feel absolutely useless and that nobody at all cares about me or my mental health.  Why should they?  Who am I?  Really nobody.  I'm the person people call when they want to meet somebody else that isn't me. I've been told "why would we give you this job when so many other people need it?"  What makes them think I don't need it too?  I would love to send my children to Ivy league status universities. They are lucky to attend the local Community College at this point.