(Small story of my life) The Mental Toll, Next Stop St. Louis!!
Asbury Park. Wow! Couldn't help but cry at the kindness surrounding the first stop on the Reboot Roadshow tour.
This was an experience that will never be forgotten. Even though I knew many people personally it was a logistical puzzle to try and figure out how to get clips of everyone. My wonderful friend Chris was with me on this trip but, got separated when it was time to enter the venue and didn't reconnect until right before the show. Also, had another friend almost get locked out of the show because the bar code on the ticket transfer didn't come up with the correct info. After that was worked out it was a matter of talking to the correct person for access.
Once everyone got back together after the show my anxiety settled down a bit. Asking strangers to be recorded is scary and when my friends aren't by my side it gets even scarier. Being a woman on her own always has me on high alert. Being a female with chronic illnesses that slow me down is down right horror movie terrifying.
The show was spectacular! The venue was perfect and everyone was super excited to be there. Hearing the roaring laughter of the crowd is what made me happiest. Some of the references might not be caught by everyone. There are still more than enough even if one gets by anybody. The crowd made it feel like an epic rock concert. 1500 seats and even more event staff. The whole place was roaring! Lots of costumes and wonderful fans of all ages. If I had to guess the average age group it would be 30-50.
The weather was great during the day for this time of year. However, there was a storm immediately after the show and it became so cold that my pain level was off the charts. I do not like admitting I have physical limitations/disability so even talking about it is not my thing. I also have huge mental triggers that I was hoping to keep in check but, it just happens. PTSD doesn't happen during a convenient time nor does the toll it takes on my body.
Ever since I was born my mother told everyone in our family that something was wrong with me and I wasn't a normal baby. When my sister told me what my mother said anger was the first emotion my mind had. Why didn't she say anything to me? It would have explained all the surgeries as a child and horrible tests that made my fear of doctors last even to this day.
As a child, migraines were just a part of my life. Most of my first memories are of pain and hospitals. My first showdown with narcotics came at 22 when I got a shot of Demerol. I could not understand if they had this why did I ever have to suffer? The pain was in my arms, legs, back and torso mostly. Every doctor just treated me like a drug seeker. One doctor would only give me painkillers after he touched my breasts.
After being sexually assaulted is when I started getting them illegally. It was that or kill myself. At least until 2001 when the first auto accident brought the pain to even more places in my body. At that point there was nobody left to help. Somehow I got referred to a female doctor that looked in my eyes and said "There is no doubt in my mind you are in pain. I can see it on your face and in your eyes."
That lasted almost 20 years until the laws surrounding opiate addiction changed. Thanks Purdue!! Before that it was "you are too young to have such pain" or "you are just trying to get high so get out". I do not know what "high" is with narcotics. What I feel when I take them is no pain. So am I an addict? Technically, yes, I have tolerance which is unavoidable. Taking them as prescribed is the only way I can live.
Although I am depressed I am not suicidal. My belief system tells me that anyone in severe pain should be able to choose whether to live or not. If there comes a day when my pain is at a 7-10 for more than 12 months without relief I will die. When I can't drive because of pain or eat food because of pain that is when the countdown starts for me. It is better than overdosing on acetaminophen which I've done because at 17 reading labels wasn't anything my mind thought of. If two was helpful than 8 should really do the trick! ALWAYS READ THE DOSAGE LIMITS. Almost didn't survive that one.
The PTSD came from a seven year relationship with my first husband. He had me so scared of men that if my second husband tried to touch me I'd panic thinking I was about to get beat. It was maybe 4 or 5 years of that and continued even after husband one was killed in a hit and run by a drunk driver while paving the I-5 freeway in Oregon.
I could go on for hours about being thrown through walls and pushed out of moving cars but, I'm not ready to share all the details just yet. My daughter from that marriage is a joy but, not sure how much she knows. Probably more than I think but still don't want to put some of the worse stuff out there until I talk to her.
The point of this entry is to maybe help people understand why I get nervous around men and afraid of asking for help. Doing this is scary! Getting good footage and am ever thankful to Chris and his family for all they are doing for me. Being liked is a whole new feeling as well.
So off to St. Louis this Saturday and have a whole crew of people there that will be rooting for me.
Never been to Missouri before so this should be a fun one!
Off to pack and thank you for reading!
This was an experience that will never be forgotten. Even though I knew many people personally it was a logistical puzzle to try and figure out how to get clips of everyone. My wonderful friend Chris was with me on this trip but, got separated when it was time to enter the venue and didn't reconnect until right before the show. Also, had another friend almost get locked out of the show because the bar code on the ticket transfer didn't come up with the correct info. After that was worked out it was a matter of talking to the correct person for access.
Kevin introducing the opening Reboot Roadshow!
Cat, Dave, Jennifer and Myself Afterwards
Once everyone got back together after the show my anxiety settled down a bit. Asking strangers to be recorded is scary and when my friends aren't by my side it gets even scarier. Being a woman on her own always has me on high alert. Being a female with chronic illnesses that slow me down is down right horror movie terrifying.
The show was spectacular! The venue was perfect and everyone was super excited to be there. Hearing the roaring laughter of the crowd is what made me happiest. Some of the references might not be caught by everyone. There are still more than enough even if one gets by anybody. The crowd made it feel like an epic rock concert. 1500 seats and even more event staff. The whole place was roaring! Lots of costumes and wonderful fans of all ages. If I had to guess the average age group it would be 30-50.
Chris, myself, Heather
Jason, Kevin, myself (I looked silly but Kev looked so adorable so used this one)
The weather was great during the day for this time of year. However, there was a storm immediately after the show and it became so cold that my pain level was off the charts. I do not like admitting I have physical limitations/disability so even talking about it is not my thing. I also have huge mental triggers that I was hoping to keep in check but, it just happens. PTSD doesn't happen during a convenient time nor does the toll it takes on my body.
Ever since I was born my mother told everyone in our family that something was wrong with me and I wasn't a normal baby. When my sister told me what my mother said anger was the first emotion my mind had. Why didn't she say anything to me? It would have explained all the surgeries as a child and horrible tests that made my fear of doctors last even to this day.
As a child, migraines were just a part of my life. Most of my first memories are of pain and hospitals. My first showdown with narcotics came at 22 when I got a shot of Demerol. I could not understand if they had this why did I ever have to suffer? The pain was in my arms, legs, back and torso mostly. Every doctor just treated me like a drug seeker. One doctor would only give me painkillers after he touched my breasts.
After being sexually assaulted is when I started getting them illegally. It was that or kill myself. At least until 2001 when the first auto accident brought the pain to even more places in my body. At that point there was nobody left to help. Somehow I got referred to a female doctor that looked in my eyes and said "There is no doubt in my mind you are in pain. I can see it on your face and in your eyes."
That lasted almost 20 years until the laws surrounding opiate addiction changed. Thanks Purdue!! Before that it was "you are too young to have such pain" or "you are just trying to get high so get out". I do not know what "high" is with narcotics. What I feel when I take them is no pain. So am I an addict? Technically, yes, I have tolerance which is unavoidable. Taking them as prescribed is the only way I can live.
Although I am depressed I am not suicidal. My belief system tells me that anyone in severe pain should be able to choose whether to live or not. If there comes a day when my pain is at a 7-10 for more than 12 months without relief I will die. When I can't drive because of pain or eat food because of pain that is when the countdown starts for me. It is better than overdosing on acetaminophen which I've done because at 17 reading labels wasn't anything my mind thought of. If two was helpful than 8 should really do the trick! ALWAYS READ THE DOSAGE LIMITS. Almost didn't survive that one.
The PTSD came from a seven year relationship with my first husband. He had me so scared of men that if my second husband tried to touch me I'd panic thinking I was about to get beat. It was maybe 4 or 5 years of that and continued even after husband one was killed in a hit and run by a drunk driver while paving the I-5 freeway in Oregon.
I could go on for hours about being thrown through walls and pushed out of moving cars but, I'm not ready to share all the details just yet. My daughter from that marriage is a joy but, not sure how much she knows. Probably more than I think but still don't want to put some of the worse stuff out there until I talk to her.
The point of this entry is to maybe help people understand why I get nervous around men and afraid of asking for help. Doing this is scary! Getting good footage and am ever thankful to Chris and his family for all they are doing for me. Being liked is a whole new feeling as well.
So off to St. Louis this Saturday and have a whole crew of people there that will be rooting for me.
Never been to Missouri before so this should be a fun one!
Off to pack and thank you for reading!
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