The Mental Health Of It All
10/4/2019
The mental health is anxiety and PTSD related. That is about as deep as I want to get with that. Makes me have a jaded look at the world. Which is why I love new places. I get to see things that wouldn't cross my path here in Los Angeles. Meet people that wouldn't be capable of otherwise. The anxiety makes me look sketchy to some people. I am working hard at making eye contact and being confident. Having my headphones helps and now I can plug it into a microphone so the conversation will absolutely be heard.
"Emo Kevin" is who I think of when my brain keeps telling me that nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms bullshit. Sometimes it is harder than that to pull myself out of a hole. Since Mom died I haven't really kept up with chores. For some reason it just didn't seem to matter anymore if she wouldn't ever be in my house again. It is important and so is routine. Flying all over at all times is not routine and imagine I will get sad from this sometimes. Please come say hi if you see me and my cat ears. Even if you do not want to be interviewed I would still LOVE to meet everyone.
Will my brain be able to take being away from my family for so many trips? It will get daunting and tiring I am 100% sure. Would I not do it because of that? No fucking way!
"Kevin Smith saved my life tonight.
Kevin saved Kevin saved Kevin saved a life tonight" ~ altered Bernie Taupin/ Elton John lyrics ;)
Saw Joker today and was a bit down after it for a while. It was exactly what I thought it would be with even more mental health awareness than predicted. Not going to spoil it for anyone. See it if that is your thing or don't. Either way it is a good movie. Not sure if it is a "Batman Movie" or not. You can decide.
Now we get into something that isn't always fun but NEEDS to be addressed. Mental health and stability. I absolutely do not like talking about this but, will make an exception for the sake of understanding this. My health does not define me even if others do.
Now we get into something that isn't always fun but NEEDS to be addressed. Mental health and stability. I absolutely do not like talking about this but, will make an exception for the sake of understanding this. My health does not define me even if others do.
Quick intermission: I have lost two beloved humans this year to suicide. The number of people that were here and are no longer in my life because of suicide is in the double digits. We all hurt. We all have pain. We all should have friends. Thanks to the stigma of suicide and drug addiction my "lifetime" friends are dead. It gets lonely thinking of why and what if. Don't take yourself away from help. Please call your local social services or health department if you need anyone to talk to. There is always the national suicide hotline that is 24/7. Please seek help if you need it.
Currently there are a few mental health issues on my mind as well as my physical health limitation issues. Let's talk those first. My knees are in horrible shape and this tour is in the winter months. This means checking bags more than just carry on when warm clothes are needed. Also means bringing a cane as well for those times when the pain is especially strong. Migraines. RLS. Several chronic issues that have yet to be properly identified or addressed.
I thought long and hard about the toll that this many flights in such a short time would take on my body. Started working out every day no matter what. My workouts consist of walking some hiking and yoga. Treadmill at the gym once in awhile but I enjoy being outside even if it is hot. Got my flu shot and am just praying that sickness avoids me. Yes, this is a lot to wish for considering the amount of plane rides I'll be on. Other than that writing this down has been a great relief.
Something that disabled people do is try to hide their disability. When I have to bring out my cane is when the pain is scary. Will the next step I take cause me to fall and dislocate or break something? is a question that goes through my mind a lot in the winter months. Will the theaters I am in be warm enough? Packing hand and feet warmers that I can put on my joints when it hurts. Ibuprofen. Prescriptions. Do they have my medicine in Canada? Not sure. What if I have to go to a hospital? Questions like these are what fills my mind. Sometimes people roll their eyes at me when the early boarding is called and I get up. In LAX I usually wait until my group is called but, in Burbank, they use ramps at just enough of an incline that I will need assistance and get embarrassed every time. Because my body hurts?! Why is being disabled so gosh darn rough? I hide it so much that I will try to help other people when I have no right to. I will give up my seat in a heartbeat and then be in tears by landing because I kind of needed that little bit of extra leg room so my knees weren't throbbing.
I thought long and hard about the toll that this many flights in such a short time would take on my body. Started working out every day no matter what. My workouts consist of walking some hiking and yoga. Treadmill at the gym once in awhile but I enjoy being outside even if it is hot. Got my flu shot and am just praying that sickness avoids me. Yes, this is a lot to wish for considering the amount of plane rides I'll be on. Other than that writing this down has been a great relief.
Something that disabled people do is try to hide their disability. When I have to bring out my cane is when the pain is scary. Will the next step I take cause me to fall and dislocate or break something? is a question that goes through my mind a lot in the winter months. Will the theaters I am in be warm enough? Packing hand and feet warmers that I can put on my joints when it hurts. Ibuprofen. Prescriptions. Do they have my medicine in Canada? Not sure. What if I have to go to a hospital? Questions like these are what fills my mind. Sometimes people roll their eyes at me when the early boarding is called and I get up. In LAX I usually wait until my group is called but, in Burbank, they use ramps at just enough of an incline that I will need assistance and get embarrassed every time. Because my body hurts?! Why is being disabled so gosh darn rough? I hide it so much that I will try to help other people when I have no right to. I will give up my seat in a heartbeat and then be in tears by landing because I kind of needed that little bit of extra leg room so my knees weren't throbbing.
The mental health is anxiety and PTSD related. That is about as deep as I want to get with that. Makes me have a jaded look at the world. Which is why I love new places. I get to see things that wouldn't cross my path here in Los Angeles. Meet people that wouldn't be capable of otherwise. The anxiety makes me look sketchy to some people. I am working hard at making eye contact and being confident. Having my headphones helps and now I can plug it into a microphone so the conversation will absolutely be heard.
"Emo Kevin" is who I think of when my brain keeps telling me that nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms bullshit. Sometimes it is harder than that to pull myself out of a hole. Since Mom died I haven't really kept up with chores. For some reason it just didn't seem to matter anymore if she wouldn't ever be in my house again. It is important and so is routine. Flying all over at all times is not routine and imagine I will get sad from this sometimes. Please come say hi if you see me and my cat ears. Even if you do not want to be interviewed I would still LOVE to meet everyone.
Will my brain be able to take being away from my family for so many trips? It will get daunting and tiring I am 100% sure. Would I not do it because of that? No fucking way!
"Kevin Smith saved my life tonight.
Kevin saved Kevin saved Kevin saved a life tonight" ~ altered Bernie Taupin/ Elton John lyrics ;)
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